An Apology

Christian means "Christ follower". I became what I thought was a Christian when I was 18. If you were one of my friends or in my family, you know this. I was very outspoken about it, and probably tried my best to convert you. Everything about me changed very quickly. I stopped doing many things that I thought were wrong, and began doing more things that I thought were right.

This personal, dramatic change gave me the right to judge other people's behavior and thinking.

I went to Bible college; wanting to be prepared for a lifetime of service to God; ministry. I began to get a solid base in understanding the Bible, but I really didn't know how to connect with people very well. With other Christians, it was easy, since we had some obvious things in common. But with those who didn't think or act like me, it was much more difficult.

This intellectualism and awkwardness made it necessary for me to condescend and separate myself from other people who were different than me.

I married and had children. I have a nice home and nice stuff. I go to church and vote. I drive a minivan, love America and there is a portrait of Jesus hanging in my living room.

These things combined validate my membership in the exclusive social club of American Christianity. For me, it can be a safe and somewhat boring club; and I've mostly stopped trying to get anyone else to join. I guess I can sense how lifeless it really is.

And then there is Jesus. Not the portrait on my wall...the living, breathing, history changing Man who was born and lived a life of sacrifice, love, adventure, excitement, surrender, victory; a life of abundance. He had rich relationships with people from all walks of life. He touched people and the power and presence of God was unleashed; they were changed from the inside out. He anguished and died so that I could be inwardly freed, healed and released to love God and be loved by God.

Some time ago, I began to be turned inside out. It is a painful, exhilarating process. I have surrendered the identity bound up in being what I thought a Christian should be. I am just trying to follow Jesus. It is not enough for me to ask "What would Jesus do?". I am asking "What is Jesus doing and how can I join Him?"

And the apology? It is to others. I'm sorry I've judged, I'm sorry I've condescended, I'm sorry I've missed opportunities to point you to the joy and freedom found in the Kingdom of God.

And it is to myself. I'm sorry for the ways I've limited God in my life. I'm sorry I put aside gifts He's given me. I'm sorry I've wasted so much time pursuing safety and contentment in this world, or even in my religion, when they can only be found in God.

Don't try to join me in the club, I've left it. Once satisfied with being considered a good Christian woman, I am now unapologetically, a follower of Christ.